That mean I'm DEAD??????????????
Submitted by Nancy Davis:
Submitted by Ruth Randle:
Submitted by Pat Urioste:
In Honor of Stupid PeopleIn case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
Amuse yourself,
let that artistic side out of the closet --
Go here to carve your pumpkin,
then when you hit "done", it lights up.
This couple wake up to someone knocking on their door. The old man gets up out of bed and goes to the door. "What do you want?" he asks this old fella standing out on the porch. "I need a push", he says. "Its 3 o'clock in the morning go away."
He goes back upstairs and his wife says, "You know we needed a push one time maybe you should return a good deed to the fella who needs a push." He says, "OK" and goes downstairs. He doesn't see him so he opens the door and says, "You still out here?". The fella replies, "Yes". "You still need a push?" the old man gruffly asks. The fella replies "Yes". "Well, were are you?" the old man asks. The fella replies "Over on the swing".
(Submitted by Robert Bender)
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes. And there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 ..... on one condition."
(There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. Then he replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
(controlling, huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said ....
"Clean my house."
(YOU GO GIRL)
(Submitted by Elizabeth DiPietri)
I have a Labrador Retriever and was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart, waiting in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her, "No, I am starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. But I did lose 50 pounds before I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."
The woman listened in amazement.
I continued and told her, "It is essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I am going to try it again."
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black gentleman who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned to end up in the hospital.
"No!" I told her, "I was sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me!"
I thought the black guy was going to need help as he staggered to the door in hysterics.
(Submitted by
(Submitted by Ken Snelson)
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed in the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."
(Submitted by my cousin, Yvonne)
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No", and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
I am telling you this solution to finding inner peace because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished".
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
(Submitted by my Leta Doyle)
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world. Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.
Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's NOT the Christian way, you know!)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree" . . . It's a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; which cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and the Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the Squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels' taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.
On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the Press blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
(Submitted by Pat Urioste)
A Christmas Wish
Click a reindeer for some holiday cheer . . .
(Submitted by Leta Doyle)
